Monday, April 27, 2009

on disneyland and rejection

now's a good a time as any, i suppose. i'm currently sitting in a hotel room in anaheim, wondering to myself what the future will hold for someone like me. i currently have very mixed feelings a-brewin' inside my gut, and i have no idea what to do about them. i'm tired, i'm confused, i'm angry, i'm depressed, and i'm hungry. well, i know what to do about the hunger, but that's easy.

let me back up a moment. i was in disneyland at the end of march. the thought of me possibly working here had been present in my mind for quite some time. but, as some of you know, i currently hold a job at a biotech in south city. this, and responsibilities at home really held me back from where i truly wanted to be... at disneyland. not as a guest, but as a cast member, and a hopeful imagineer. yes, dear acupuncturists and acupuncturees, i wish to be a disney imagineer. unfortunately, the stories i've heard about breaking into imagineering all agree that it's almost harder to get into than nasa. god help me, i wanted in so bad.

so, on a whim and with a prayer, i walked up to the guest relations counter at city hall in disneyland, and inquired about a job. i was referred to the online application. once home from vacation, i sent it off, not really expecting to hear back. well, i believe i've spoiled the result of that application with my statement that i'm here in anaheim sitting in a hotel room, posting to you now. they wanted to interview me. my heart soared, but was grounded quickly with the sobering realization that i'd have to leave behind everything i had at home. my family, my friends, my... unfinished business. i battled with this decision for a long, long time. but no matter what i thought, no matter how bad i thought it might have been, i didn't care. i still felt that joy every time i thought that i could be working towards my dream job. i could be chasing my dream. in so cal. god help me, i sound like a bad made for tv movie.

i arrive at the casting center building, hopeful, not wanting to feel apprehensive or doubtful in the least. i usually keep myself reserved when it comes to things like this. but, something told me that everything should work out fine. after filling out the paperwork, and waiting, i'm called up to the front desk. apparently, the fact that i have a summer vacation (a disney cruise, mind you) already planned, is enough to drop me out of the running for a job.

at first, i didn't want to believe it. i couldn't believe it. it was just 10 days, and i'd be around all the time for any other day. but no, as i'm informed, the saying is, "we work while others play, all night and all day." i'm crushed. i didn't even get to interview. i'm shot down at the front desk. that is where my journey began, and where it ended. of that, i am sad. without a chance, even without being able to take a shot, it's like they completely discounted me not on my skill or supposed lackthereof, but rather my availability.

i sat outside, for the longest time, just kind of staring at the door. i wonder, why? i was this close, right at the door, only to have it shut in my face. it's not that i stumbled, or fell, or screwed up on my own. i was just shot down. to come so close...

fuck.

it feels sometimes like i'm walking through a dream, waiting to wake up. then i realize, this is the real thing. you can't wait for life to dump a huge sign in front of you, telling you that it's time to wake up... because you're really awake, and let's face it, shit like that doesn't happen. there isn't a big epiphany, there is no moment of clarity that so many movies and shows and stories talk about. there really isn't. fact is, nobody really knows what they're doing until they're doing it, and even then, we're all just really playing life by ear. the legatos, the decrescendos, the crescendos, rests, staccato, dissonances, and mezzo fortes all come at once, and we just try to keep up.

i guess writing just cathartic. it's how i deal. it's always easier to write when your emotions are at their strongest. that's just how it is. for me, at least. but what really helps me through times like these are my family and friends, my real support structure. i learned today that rejection sucks, but it really shows you what you really, truly want. and it shows you what you really, truly have. i have the best friends and the best family in the world. no matter what, i now know that i can turn to them, and they'll always have my back. and for that, i love them immensely.

p.s. i thank you, jon, and everyone, for showing me this blog and allowing me to post here. i'm glad to have somewhere to spill this all out to. i just hope that i didn't sound too much like a livejournal post. feel free to move on.

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